I’m not planning on dying anytime soon but I was just a little curious about the aftermath of becoming deceased.
I suppose my spirit will go to heaven and my body will turn to ashes or dust, depending if it’s cremated or buried.
People who knew me will send their condolescences to my next of kin and they might even shed a tear or two or shout ‘God Riddens’ from the rooftops.
They might mourn my passing for a few spectacular moments but in truth, they will not miss me beyond the next meal and sleep..
So what does happen when we die?
Are we suddenly invested with supernatural powers and are granted a visa in perpetuity to pass through the Pearly Gates to the afterlife, as another living creature, reincarnated or otherwise?
Are you kidding me?
I started to wonder after watching a ridiculous film called ‘Swiss Army Man’ about the antics of a dead corpse washed up on the beach of a deserted island.
Now I realize that farting after we die is trending all over social media and we DO fart, extraordinarily though it may sound, after we die.
So the ridiculous film I watched was actually thought-provoking and quite informative.
Hand on my heart, I can honestly say that I HAVE seen a man fart before my very own eyes but I have NEVER seen a dead man, let alone a farting dead man.
Of course, if we can fart when we die, we can poop too. That’s otherwise called Defecation to the Shitless Wonders out there who are wanting to expand their English vocabulary.
And if you have ever heard the uncouth expression ‘Shit come out of your mouth’, now you know where it comes from and why.
Truly, I would not care to be a funeral undertaker who has to clean up the almighty mess.
The horrific smell of sulphurous gas caused by farting cannot be ignored.
We all know, I think, that bodies shrink and shrivel as we begin to decompose. Our body temperature cools and rigor mortis sets in.
Our bodies just bloat, blister and burst until we eventually become no more than a skeleton.
So much for embalment but who wants to be preserved as a Mummy or a stuffed model of who we once were?
It amazed me to note from that ridiculous film that a man can die with an erection of his ‘youknowwhat’ and maintain it after he has died.
Totally mind-blowing I know but apparently true!
Let me take another look at all those depictions, paintings, sculptures and the like, of that Jewish guy who was crucified on the cross all those years ago.
I think I might have missed something.
Anyway, are you still along for the ride?
I have tried to write this essay/article with a sense of humour but at the same time with a sprinkling of expressions which are relevant and pertinent for anyone learning English as a second language.
Many of the important expressions I have highlighted.
I’ve read somewhere that our corpse turns all sorts of weird colours as our red blood cells go into overdrive and that bacteria, acid, stuff like that, endogerously (what a word!) enjoys a fabulous feast.
I love post-mortems, don’t you? Coroner’s Inquest. An autopsy on the body. Death by misadventure, whatever that means.
That’s it, my friends. I’ve said my piece.
I want to go and Rest in Peace.
Well, not yet exactly but chill out for sure.